reality check

we've been sick here. so it has left me plenty of time to think.  and evaluate.  dispare.  wallow.  and decide.

i took the opportunity to look back and to realize that i am lazy.  i am a slacker.  and i am excuse maker.  sometimes they are all warranted and deserved.  but mostly- its not.  there is so much more i should be doing, and i am not.  and the people i care about most are the ones that are suffering.
now i am not a totally sad excuse for a parent/ care taker/ house wife.  dinner is usually made, and its generally healthy.  the laundry is done, and the clothes are put away, the house gets a semi-regular vacuum/sweeping.  the kids are dressed with their hair done.  all the basics and some extras are thrown in there.  but i am not present or delighted that i can do these things for the people that i love.  i flippantly respond to the 'beautiful rock/pebble'  that jellybean brings me.  in fact- i sometimes cringe at the thought of another one!  how harsh is that?!?!  she thought of me while playing with her friends, and i cringe at her sentiment.  shame on me.  i hope she hasn't noticed.
anyway- as these things were going through my head there was part of me that said NO!!!  i am great and i make them feel special.  i always ask specifics about their day, and i listen and look at them when they tell me.  i have our special good nights that we say.  we have special songs....... i do do things so they know.  but i have decided that it's not enough.  the need more.  they deserve more.  so i will give more.
i have struggled to come up with new years resolutions.  yes i know its February and i am just now talking about this, but its because i wasn't 'feelin it' ya know?  so i have read a few places about word of the month type thing.  something to focus on for that month.  to incorporate that word it into every aspect of life.  spiritually, physically, mentally- every way.  and i am so excited about this idea.  so we'll see how it goes.  right now this feels right.  do-able.  so we will do.
the word that i have decided on is delight.  i want to delight in the fact that i can serve my babies in the most basics of ways.  i want to delight in the fact that i have a beautiful house that i can clean.  i want to delight in the fact that, because i am playing cars or trains or even snuggling and watching mickey mouse, my breakfast dishes aren't done.  i want to delight in the fact that i have 8 girls at church that rely on me on Wednesdays to give them their mid week pick me up. i want to delight in the fact that i have a living Prophets counsel that i can study and apply to my life.  i want to delight in my scripture study.  i want to delight in my nerdy husbands delights.  i want to be delighted with the life i have chosen to live and have been blessed with the ability to live.
not only because they deserve it, and not only because i deserve it and not only because its true.  but because i can.
does that make sense? 
i just want to give them more.  and to top it all off.  i feel so motivated to do this.  this doesn't feel like i am trying to 'bail myself out with a straw', or that i am 'bitingoff more than i can chew'.  i feel like this is good and this is what i should be doing.
anyway- there you go.  i feel accountable now.  i feel feel slightly vulnerable.  and i kinda feel empowered by it.  strange.
anyway- here is to a delightful month!